Kurt and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat
by SperryDee
Summary: Evo meets ALW...chaos ensues. A delightful parody! See Pietro attacked by sheep! Toad as a director! Forge getting threatened!
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Me no own. You no sue.

"May the psychotic disco penguins eviscerate your spine."

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

B Welcome to my first musical! Well, first musical fanfic. I've been in several stage productions.../B

"Get on with it!" Lance yelled

ignores the rockhead B As I was saying, this will be a production of one of my favorite musicals: Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat, as created by Andrew Lloyd Webber. So...casting. As you can tell by the title, Kurt will be our lead man. The rest of you, you'll find out as things go. /B

"Who's the director?" Tabby piped up.

"I am, yo," Todd said from a snazzy chair that had 'DIRECTOR' stenciled across the back. "And Jamie here is the assistant." Jamie waved. "Forge, got the sfx ready?"

"Everything's good to go, man!"

"Excellent, Forge." He struck a Picard-ish pose. "Hippieman, make it so!"

xxxxxxxxx

"I Some folks dream of the wonders they'll do,

Before their time on this planet is through

Some just don't have anything planned

They hide their hopes and their heads in the sand

Now I don't say who is wrong, who is right

But if by chance you are here for the night

Then all I need is an hour or two

To tell the tale of a dreamer like you.../I Callisto sang.

"Hold the phone!" Jean shouted. "Why does she get to be the narrator? It's the biggest female part!"

B Because I like her. And it's to make up what I'll be doing to her in the next parody. /B

"What next parody?" Freddy asked, confused.

"Jesus Christ, Mutant Star, duh," Warren stated simply. "A Kurwanda. And joy of joys, guess who's Judas?" He rolled his eyes.

B Don't any of you people understand dramatic contrast? Quit griping and start singing/B

"IWe all dream a lot –

Some are lucky,

Some are not

But if you think it,

Want it,

Dream it,

Then it's real.

You are what you feel

But all that I say

Can be told another way

In the story of a boy whose dreams came true

And he could be you .../I"

music tempo picks up

Callisto started belting it out. "IWay way back many centuries ago,

Not long after the Bible began

Jacob lived in the land of Canaan,

A fine example of a family man /I."

shows Magneto, surrounded by Ray, Roberto, Lance, Scott, Warren, Piotr, Pietro, and Freddy

"I Jacob, Jacob and sons,

Depended on farming to earn their keep

Jacob, Jacob and sons,

Spent all of their days in the fields with sheep. /I

scene cuts to Ray riding a sheep across a field

"Woohoo!" Ray shouted.

"Get these sheep off mee!" Pietro squealed, being attacked by ewes.

"Good sheep," Freddy grinned, petting a lamb.

Callisto glared. "A-hem!"

"Sorry."

"IJacob was the founder of a whole new nation,

Thanks to the number of children he'd had

He was also known as Israel but most of the time

His sons and his wives used to call him dad./I"

scene cuts to Magneto, and the boys, along with Moira, Mystique, Irene, and Ororo

"Why am I married to this idiot?" Ororo asked.

"I Jacob, Jacob and sons, men of the soil, of the sheaf and crook

Jacob, Jacob and sons, a remarkable family in anyone's book

Reuben was the eldest of the children of Israel/I"

Remy waves

"IWith Simeon and Levi the next in line /I"

Freddy and Sam are feeding lambs

"I Napthali and Isaachar with Asher and Dan/I"

Alex and Piotr are trying to pry apart a fighting Lance and Scott

Zebulun and Gad took the total to nine

Ray and Roberto are having a staring contest

"IJacob, Jacob and sons,

Benjamin and Judah, which leaves only one

Jacob, Jacob and sons, Joseph -- Jacob's favorite son

Jacob, Jacob and sons... /I"

Pietro and Warren are about to tackle an unsuspecting Kurt

B Aaaand, cut! Forge, is the coat ready/B

"Uh...almost?"

B Five minutes, or I'll lock you in a room with Mystique and some whipped cream. /B

Mystique leers

Forge gulped. "Got it!"

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

And that's all until next time! Review!


	2. Artistic Vision

Disclaimer: Me no own. You no sue.

"Never say die. That's our motto." "Is it?"

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

B Okay, new artistic vision: just go with me on this, kay? Names will be changed...lyrics edited a titch...muahaha/B

"Have you taken your meds today?" Todd asked. The Authoress glared at him. "Meep."

"New song, people!" Jamie yelled into a bullhorn. "Quiet on the set!"

"Do I have to do this?" Magneto asked, grimacing.

B YES. /B

"Kurt's mother, she was quite my favorite wife I never really loved another all my life And Kurt was my joy because He reminded me of her..."

"Yech," the boys spat in unison, looking disgusted.

"IThrough young Kurt, Magsy lived his youth again

Loved him, praised him, gave him all he could, but then

It made the rest feel second best And even if they were.../I"

"IBeing told were also-rans Does not make us Kurt fans /I" The boys sang, looking menacingly at Kurt

"IBut where they have really missed the boat is /I"

"I We're great guys but no-one seems to notice

Kurt's charm and winning smiles

Fail to slay us in the aisles /I" Remy rolled his eyes and Pietro gave Kurt bunny ears.

"IAnd their father couldn't see the danger

He could not imagine any danger/I

Magsy really is dim, isn't he?" Callisto winked.

"IHe just saw in Kurt all his dreams come true

Jacob wanted to show the world he loved his son

To make it clear that Kurt was the special one

So Magsy bought his son a coat

A multi-colored coat to wear.../I"

With a "Yaah!" Kurt is yanked up into the ceiling and then dropped down, in what appears to be a sparkly, tie-dyed duster.

"With silk lining!" Tabby pointed out.

"IKurt's coat was elegant, the cut was fine

The tasteful style was the ultimate in good design

And this is why it caught the eye

A king would stop and stare. /I"

Amara, the closest thing we have to royalty on the set, walks up to Kurt and admires the duster before sauntering off.

"IWhen I got to try it on I knew my sheepskin days were gone../I" Kurt crooned.

"ISuch a dazzling coat of many colors/I" Callisto agreed.

"IHow he loved his coat of many colors

In a class above the rest

It even went well with his vest /I" The boys droned, looking jealously at Kurt.

Kurt showed off his gold silk vest, grinning. "I look stylish!"

"ISuch a stunning coat of many colors

How he loved his coat of many colors

It was red and yellow and green and brown and blue.../I" Callisto moved closer to the guys. "IJoseph's brothers weren't too pleased with what they saw /I"

"IWe had never liked him all that much before

And now this coat

Has got our goat

We feel life is unfair.../I"

"There just ain't no justice!" Lance shouted.

Callisto kicked Lance in the shin. "IAnd when Joseph graced the scene

His brothers turned a shade of green

His astounding clothing took the biscuit/I Took the biscut? What was Andrew on when he wrote this?"

B Your guess is as good as mine. CONTINUE/B

"IQuite the smoothest person in the district/I" The guys intoned, making faces behind Kurt's back.

"II look handsome, I look smart

I am a walking work of art

Such a dazzling coat of many colors

How I love my coat of many colors /I"

"Yeah, yeah, fuzzy, we get it," Ray grumbled.

Everybody took a deep breath and started to sing.

"IIt was red and yellow and green and brown

And scarlet and black and ochre and peach

And ruby and olive and violet and fawn

And lilac and gold and chocolate and mauve

And cream and crimson and silver and rose

And azure and lemon and russet and grey

And purple and white and pink and orange

And red and yellow and green and brown and blue/I"

Ray passed out from singing so much, so fast, so loud.

"Er...medic?" Kurt asked, backing away.


	3. Oh, yeah, just feeling the love here

Disclaimer: See first 2 chapters

"Nice evil demonic attack bunny...good evil demonic attack bunny...don't hur-AAAAGGH!"

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"IKurt's coat annoyed his brothers/I"

"IBut what makes us mad

Are the things that Kurt tells us of the dreams he's often had /I,"

"II dreamed that in the fields one day, the corn gave me a sign

Your eleven sheaves of corn all turned and bowed to mine

My sheaf was quite a sight to see, a golden sheaf and tall

Yours were green and second-rate and really rather small. /I"

"Ahem," Jamie piped up. "The Authoress wishes it known that it wouldn't've been corn in ancient Israel. Corn was just being domesticated in the Yucatan, and what the Israelites would have had would've been something like wheat or barley or lentils. She's a stickler for accuraccy."

"IThis is not the kind of thing we brothers like to hear

It seems to us that Kurt and his dreams should disappear/I." The boys grinned evilly.

"II dreamed I saw eleven stars, the sun and moon and sky

Bowing down before my star, it made me wonder why

Could it be that I was born for higher things than you?

A post in someone's government, a ministry or two/I"

"Oh, don't get such a swelled head, fuzzy. Arrogance is unbecoming," Pietro advised.

"Pot? This is kettle, you're black," Kurt retorted. "Neener neener neener...I look way more handsome..."

"Can't kill Kurt, Jean would kill me...can't kill Kurt, Jean would kill me," Scott muttered under his breath.

"IThe dreams of our dear brother are the decade's biggest yawn

His talk of stars and golden sheaves is just a load of corn

Not only is he tactless but he's also rather dim /I,"

"If stupidity were money, he'd be Donald Trump," Pietro quipped.

"I For there's eleven of us and there's only one of him

The dreams of course will not come true

That is, we think they won't come true

That is, we hope they won't come true

What if he's right all along?

The dreams are more than crystal clear, the writing on the wall

Means that Kurt some day soon will rise above us all

The accuracy of the dreams we brothers do not know

But one thing we are sure about -- the dreamer has to go/I"

scene changes to a field with sheep in the distance

While Kurt played with the sheep, the guys plotted.

"INext day, far from home, the brothers planned the repulsive crime /I"

"ILet us grab him now, do him in, while we've got the time/I"

"IThis they did and made the most of it

Tore his coat and flung him in a pit/I" Callisto sang as the guys did just that.

"Hey! You didn't have to throw me so hard...my butt hurts...ow...so does my tail..."

"ILet us leave him here, all alone, and he's bound to die/I"

"Oh, yeah, really feeling the love here," Kurt muttered sarcastically.

"IWhen some Ishmaelites, a hairy crew, came riding by

In a flash the brothers changed their plan /I"

Victor, Logan, and Nick Fury show up.

"I We need cash! Let's sell him if we can /I"

Tabby, Scaleface, Amara, and Rogue, dressed in desert maiden outfits, come out and join Callisto.

"I Poor poor Kurt, what'cha gonna do?

Things look bad for you, hey, what'cha gonna do/I"

"ICould you use a slave, you hairy bunch of Ishmaelites?

Young, strong, well-behaved, going cheap and he reads and writes/I"

Callisto pushed the other girls out of the way. "IIn a trice the dirty deed was done

Silver coins for Magsy's favorite son

Then the Ishmaelites galloped off with a slave in tow

Off to Egypt where Kurt was not too keen to go

It wouldn't be a picnic he could tell /I"

"IAnd I don't speak Egyptian very well/I" Kurt complained, and Victor, Nick, and Logan groaned.

"I Next, Kurt's brothers tore his precious multi-colored coat

Having ripped it up, they next attacked a passing goat

Soon the wretched creature was no more

They dipped his coat in blood and guts and gore

Oh now brothers, how low can you stoop?

You make a sordid group, hey, how low can you stoop?

Poor poor Kurt, sold to be a slave

Situation's grave, hey, sold to be a slave./I"

"They didn't really harm a goat, did they?" Kitty looked squeamish.

"No, it was fake blood and a sack crudely sewn to look like a goat," Todd explained. "The Authoress likes goats. They're intelligent and sadistic, just like her."

B Thank you/B


	4. Potiphar OR Caliban gets jiggy

Disclaimer: See first two chapters

"I didn't jilt you! I just kinda left without telling.."

xxxxxxxxxxxx

"Do I hafta do this?" Sam asked.

"You do have the closest accent...and we aren't putting Rogue in drag for this," Todd explained.

"Damn straight," Rogue agreed, sitting on Todd's lap.

Sam started to sing, with the other guys as backup. "IFather, we've something to tell you, a story of our time

A tragic but inspiring tale of manhood in its prime

You know you had a dozen sons -- well now that's not quite true

But feel no sorrow, do not grieve, he would not want you to

There's one more angel in Heaven

There's one more star in the sky Kurt we'll never forget you

It's tough but we're gonna get by

There's one less place at our table

There's one more tear in my eye

But Kurt the things that you stood for Like -- er/I"

"ITruth and light/I" Ray yells.

"INever die

When I think of his last great battle

A lump comes to my throat

It takes a man who knows not fear

To wrestle with a goat

His blood-stained coat is tribute to his final sacrifice

His body may be past its peak but his soul's in paradise./I"

Jubilee started singing operatically in the background as Sam spoke.

"So long, little Joe

Adios, buckaroo

Ten-four, good buddy."

The boys started to sing again. "IThere's one less place at our table

There's one more tear in my eye

But Kurt the things that you stood for

Like truth and light never die

Carve his name with pride and courage

Let no tear be shed If he had not laid down his life we all would now be dead

There's one more angel in Heaven

There's one more star in the sky

Kurt we'll never forget you

It's tough but we're gonna get by.../I"

"Cut! Israelites offstage! Tabby, Amara, Scaleface, Wanda, Danielle! Get into the handmaiden outfits!" Jamie shouted.

The girls came out in scanty outfits. "Do I have to wear this?" Danielle complained.

"Yes!" Ray shouted, seeing the sight of Scaleface in a very revealing costume.

"The Authoress likes to keep her characters happy...the ones she likes, in the 'ships she likes. Tabby with Amara, Scaleface with Ray, Wanda with Kurt...and you...well, she felt obligated to put you in, since she's Native American, too."

B Red folks represent/B

The scene changed, to the inside of a vast Egyptian mansion. At centre stage was...Caliban?

"I hate my life," he moaned.

B Buck up. Remember what I promised you after this scene? All you have to do is this little number, and then you get a special little number of your own...wink wink nudge nudge.../B

"IPotiphar had very few cares

I was one of Egypt's millionairesss

Having made a fortune buying sharesss

In pyramids

Potiphar had made a huge pile

Owned a large percentage of the Nile

Meant that I could really live in ssstyle and I did.../I" The girls danced around Caliban, making little 'mwah mwah' noises. Caliban continued singing.

"IKurt was an unimportant sslave who found he liked his masster

Consequently worked much harder, even with devotion

Potiphar could see that Kurt was a cut above the average

Made him leader of the houssehold, maximum promotion

Potiphar was cool and ssso fine

But hiss wife would never toe the line

It's all there in chapter thirty-nine Of Genesisss.../I"

Scene shows Kitty, in very risqué costume, lying on a chaise. "Do I have to be married to...ugh...him?"

B I like this ship. Besides, would you rather me pair you with my –other- favorite comicverse pairing for you/B

Kitty blanched. "You're evil. Very, very evil."

B What else is new/B

Caliban continued singing. "ISshe was beautiful but evil

Saw a lot of men against hiss will

He would have to tell her that sshe still

Was his.../I." He glared at Kitty. "MY Kittypryde!"

"Oh, G-d," Kitty moaned.

Caliban ignored the complaint and kept singing.

"I Kurt's lookss and handsome figure had attracted her attention

Every morning sshe would beckon/I"

"I Come and lie with me love/I" Kitty purred.

Caliban continued. "I Kurt wanted to resisst her, till one day she proved too eager

Kurt cried in vain/I"

"I Please stop! I don't believe in free love/I" He paused. "Well, actually, I do, but this isn't a Kurtty."

The scene changed to show Caliban in another room, counting pile after pile of money, as he started to sing. "IPotiphar was counting sshekels in his den below the bedroom

When he heard a mighty rumpus clattering above him

Suddenly he knew his richess couldn't buy him what he wanted

Gold would never make him happy if sshe didn't love him.../I"

Callisto popped back onstage. "I Letting out a mighty roar

Potiphar burst through the door/I"

Caliban roared. "IKurt, I'll ssee you rot in jail!

The things you have done are beyond the pale/I"

The girls danced and sang around Kurt. "IPoor poor Kurt, locked up in a cell

Things ain't going well, hey, locked up in a cell.../I"

"That's a wrap!"

B See, Caliban? You did it! And your reward, as promised: Kitty. /B

Caliban grinned and dragged Kitty into his dressing room.

B I take care of my favorites...and punish those I don't like.../B

"Why do I have a feeling she's staring at me?" Scott asked.

Jamie checked his clipboard. "Because she has you down for a bad role in the next parody. You do get a song, though."

Scott groaned. "Perfect."


	5. Can I keep this suit?

Disclaimer: See first two chapters

"We took pity on him because he'd lost both parents at an early age. I think that, on reflection, we should have wondered a bit more about that."

Xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Ray boggled at the sounds coming from Caliban's dressing room. "How long are they gonna be in there?"

"Until the Authoress needs either of them for a parody...which shouldn't be until the next one..." Jamie checked his clipboard. "Caliban has a major role...and so does Tabby? Well, she does fit the profile for that role...zealous, psychotic, loud..."

"Thanks, hon," Tabby said, kissing Jamie on the cheek.

Jamie blushed.

"Ahem!" Kurt said, stamping his foot, now dressed in a tattered costume with chains. "Can we get on with this? The chains chafe, and the girls are giving me evil looks..."

The girls are indeed looking at Kurt, with eyes full of lust. Wanda purred.

Kurt started to sing, and the background changed to a dim prison cell.

"Behold my l33t illusion powers!" Mastermind shouted.

Kurt, like everyone else, ignored Mastermind, and sang. "IClose every door to me, hide all the world from me

Bar all the windows and shut out the light

Do what you want with me, hate me and laugh at me

Darken my daytime and torture my night

If my life were important I would ask will I live or die

But I know the answers lie far from this world

Close every door to me, keep those I love from me

Children of Israel are never alone For I know I shall find my own peace of mind

For I have been promised a land of my own/I." He started pacing in the cell.

"IJust give me a number instead of my name

Forget all about me and let me decay

I do not matter, I'm only one person

Destroy me completely then throw me away

If my life were important I would ask will I live or die

But I know the answers lie far from this world

Close every door to me, keep those I love from me

Children of Israel are never alone

For we know we shall find our own peace of mind

For we have been promised a land of our own.../I"

Callisto, in a 50's-style, glamour-ish gown, started to sing.

"IKurt's luck was really out, his spirits and his fortune low

Alone he sat, alone he thought of happy times he used to know

Hey dreamer! Don't be so upset

Hey Kurt! You're not beaten yet

Go Go Go Kurt you know what they say

Hang on now Kurt you'll make it one day

Don't give up Kurt fight till you drop

We've read the book and you come out on top

Now into Kurt's prison cell were flung two very frightened men.../I"

Pietro and Todd appear, Todd in a flour-dusted outfit and Pietro in a rather flamboyant pink and white suit. They started to sing.

"I We don't think that we will ever see the light of day again

Hey Kurt! Help us if you can

We've had dreams that we don't understand./I"

Callisto draped her arms around Pietro and Todd.

"I Both men were servants of Pharaoh the king

Both in the doghouse for doing their thing

One was a baker, a cook in his prime

One was a butler, the Jeeves of his time.../I"

"Why am I a butler?" Pietro asked. "Love the suit, though."

"Same reason I'm the baker," Todd grumbled. "Her version of the soundtrack, the butler's voice sounds swishy, and the baker's sounds Brooklynish. Hence the director's cameo, and the cameo of the Director's crush/torture character."

Kurt turned to Pietro and Todd.

"ITell me of your dreams my friends, and I will tell you what they show

Though I cannot guarantee to get it right, I'll have a go./I"

"IFirst the butler, trembling, took the floor

Nervously he spoke of what he saw.../I"

"IThere I was standing in front of a vine

I picked some grapes and I crushed them for wine

I gave it to Pharaoh who drank from my cup

I tried to interpret but I had to give up.../I"

Kurt thought, then grinned. "IYou will soon be free, my friend,

So do not worry any more

The king will let you out of here,

You'll buttle as you did before.../I Is buttle even a word?"

"INext the baker rose to tell his dream

Hoping it would have a similar theme.../I"

Todd grimaced. "This is typecasting, yo...

IThere I was standing with baskets of bread

High in the sky I saw boids overhead

Who flew to the baskets and ate every slice

Give me the message -- like his would be nice/I"

Kurt grinned. "Ha ha! You're gonna die! Um, I mean...

ISad to say your dream is not the kind of dream I'd like to get

Pharaoh has it in for you, your execution date is set

Don't rely on all I say I saw

It's just that I have not been wrong before.../I"

Callisto again began to sing. "IGo Go Go Kurt you know what they say

Hang on now Kurt you'll make it one day

Go Go Go Kurt you're doing fine

You and your dreamcoat -- ahead of your time.../I"

The scene ended.

"Hey, can I keep this suit?"

xxxxxxxx


	6. Pharoah Hank

Disclaimer: See first two chapters

"Why would anyone want a harmonica-shaped vibrator?"

xxxxxxxxxx

The scene appeared as a great throne room, with Hank, in Pharaoh costume. "It's good to be the king..."

Callisto with Wanda, Scaleface, Tabby, Amara, and Danielle, were around the throne, all the girls but Callisto (dressed as handmaidens), were to sing backup and generally fawn over Hank.

Callisto started singing. "I Pharaoh Hank, he was a powerful man

With the ancient world in the palm of his hand

To all intents and purposes he

Was Bayville with a capital B

Whatever he did he was showered with praise

If he cracked a joke then you chortled for days

No-one had rights or a vote but the king

In fact you might say he was fairly right-wing../I"

"I'm not, really," Hank pointed out. "I voted for Nader! Green Party all the way, people!"

Callisto continued singing."I When Pharaoh Hank's around, then you get down on the ground

If you ever find yourself out on the seas -- get down on your knees./I"

"IA Pharaoh Hank story, a Pharaoh Hank story/I" the girls chorused.

"IDown at the other end of the scale

Kurt is still doing time in jail

For even though he is in with the guards

A lifetime in prison seems quite on the cards

But if my analysis of the position is right

At the end of the tunnel there's a glimmer of light

For all of a sudden indescribable things

Have shattered the sleep of both peasants and kings

Strange as it seems, there's been a run of crazy dreams

And a man who can interpret could go far -- could become a star.../I"

"ICould be famous, could be a big success /I"

"ICould be a star/I"

The music changed, becoming more uptempo. Pietro, still in the suit, appeared. Callisto started to sing.

"IGuess what? In his bed

Pharaoh Hank had an uneasy night

He had had a dream that pinned him to his sheets with fright

No-one knew the meaning of the dream

What to do? Whatever could it mean?

Then his butler said /I"

"II know a bloke in jail

Who is hot on dreams, could explain old Pharaoh Hank's tale /I"

"IPharaoh Hank said fetch this Kurt man

I need him to help me if he can /I"

"IPoor poor Pharaoh Hank, what'cha gonna do?

Dreams are haunting you, hey, what'cha gonna do/I"

Kurt is brought in, still in chains. "These really do chafe, you know."

Callisto sat down beside him. "I Chained and bound, afraid, alone

Kurt stood before the throne../I"

"IMy service to Pharaoh Hank has begun

Tell me your problems, mighty one /I"

The music changed to an Elvis-ish, honky-tonk sound as Hank began to sing. "I Well I was wandering along by the banks of the river

When seven fat cows came out of the Nile

And right behind them fine healthy animals came seven other cows, skinny and vile

Well the thin cows ate the fat cows which I thought would do them good

But it didn't make them fatter like I thought a monster supper should

Because the thin ones were as thin as they had ever ever been

This dream has got me baffled, hey Kurt, tell me what it means

C'mon you know that kings ain't stupid

But I don't have a clue

So don't be cruel Kurt

You gotta help me now I beg of you

I was standing doing nothing in a field out of town –

I saw seven beautiful ears of corn

They were ripe they were golden but you guessed it right behind them were seven other ears -- tattered and torn

Then the bad corn ate the good corn man they came up right behind yes they did

And Kurt here's the punchline it's really gonna blow your mind -- flip your lid

Because the bad corn was as bad as it had ever ever been

This dream has got me all shook up, treat me nice and tell me what it means

Hey hey Kurt won't you tell me what this crazy dream really means/I"


	7. She likes me better!

Disclaimer: See first two chapters

"I haven't hit someone over the head with their own leg since the Carter administration, but I still remember how."

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Kurt stood before Hank and sang. "ISeven years of bumper crops are on their way

Years of plenty, endless wheat and tons of hay

Your farms will boom, there won't be room

To store the surplus food you grow

After that, the future doesn't look so bright

Bayville's luck will change completely overnight

And famine's hand will stalk the land

With food an all-time low

Noble king, there is no doubt

What your dream is all about

All these things you saw in your pajamas

Are a long-range forecast for your farmers

And I'm sure it's crossed your mind

What it is you have to find

Find a man to lead you through the famine

With a flair for economic planning

But who this man would be I just don't know.../I"

"IPharaoh Hank said/I"

"IWell stone the crows, this Kurt is a clever kid

Who'd have thought that fourteen cows could mean the things he said they did?

Kurt, you must help me further;

I have found a job for you

You shall lead us through this crisis -- you shall be my number two."

Kurt did a victory dance while Callisto narrated what happened next. "I

Pharaoh Hank told his guards to fetch a chisel from the local store

Whereupon he ordered them to cut the chains that Kurt wore

Kurt got a royal pardon and a host of splendid things

A chariot of gold, a cloak, a medal and some signet rings.../I"

Kurt was dressed in a golden suit, and was heaped with jewelry. A golden convertible appeared next to him. "Booya! Who's the fuzzy dude?" Kurt crowed, doing his weird little victory dance.

"IKurt -- Pharaoh Hank's number two

Kurt -- Bayville looks to you

Seven summers on the trot were perfect just as Kurt said

Kurt saw that food was gathered ready for the years ahead

Seven years of famine followed. Bayville did not mind a bit

The first recorded rationing in history was a hit/I"

The girls draped themselves on Kurt as he sat perched on the front of the car. Wanda sat in his lap, trailing her fingers down his chest as the girls sang.

"IKurt how can we ever say

All that we want to about you?

We're so glad that you came our way

We would have perished without you.../I"

Hank agreed, slinging an arm around Kurt's shoulders. "IKurt we are the perfect team

Old buddies you and me

I was wise to have chosen you

You'll be wise to agree

We were in a jam

Would have baffled Abraham

But now we're a partnership it's just a piece of cake.../I"

The girls lifted Kurt on their shoulders. "IGreatest man since Noah

Only goes to show-a.../I"

"IAnyone from anywhere can make it if he gets a lucky break/I"

Callisto reappeared. "I This could be the happy ending, perfect place to stop the show

Kurt after all has got about as far as he can go

But I'm sure that Magsy and his other sons have crossed your mind

How had famine hit the family Kurt left behind/I?"

"Like I care?" Kurt asked. "They sold me, woman!"

"I will hurt you..." Callisto threatened. "The Authoress likes me more, and you're being stupid."

B Cally's right, on both counts. Wanda? Wanda, stop groping Kurt! Save it for the next musical! Scaleface, we need Ray for the next scene...stop making out with him! sigh Bloody hormones.../B


	8. Remy goes commando!

Disclaimer: see first two chapters

"Sodomy non sapiens." "What does that mean?" "Buggered if I know."

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

The scene opened with Remy complaining. "How come Remy have to sing this? Why you make Remy take off his trenchcoat? Remy don' mind bein' shirtless, but w'out his trenchcoat? Y'be crazy?"

B A, you have the right accent. B, they didn't have trenchcoats back then. And C, I like ogling you, though you're not nearly as pale as I should like. Now start singing, or I'll get the Jamies to put Icy-Hot in your boxers./B

"Pretty damn hard to do that," Remy smirked. "Remy don' wear underwear. Remy goes commando."

The story pauses as every girl on set relishes the mental image.

B Fine. I'll get the Jamies to destroy your trenchchoat./B

Jamie held up a lighter and Remy's coat.

Remy blanched and started singing. "IDo you remember the good years in Canaan?

The summers were endlessly gold

The fields were a patchwork of clover

The winters were never too cold

We'd stroll down the boulevard together

No hint of this tragic decline

Now the fields are dead and bare

No joie de vivre anywhere

Et maintenant we drink a bitter wine.../I"

The other guys joined in."IThose Canaan days we used to know

Where have they gone?

Where did they go?

Eh bien, raise your berets

To those Canaan days/I"

Remy took the lead again. "IDo you remember those wonderful parties?

The splendour of Canaan's cuisine

Those extravagant, elegant soirees

The gayest the Bible has seen.../I"

Everyone gave the guys weird looks.

"It wasn't like –that-!" Ray protested.

Remy continued singing. "I It's funny but since we lost Kurt

We've gone to the other extreme

No-one comes to dinner now

We'd only eat them anyhow

I even find I'm missing Kurt's dreams.../I We'd only eat them? Remy ain't a cannibal! Deliverance boy, maybe, but not Remy!"

With a loud THWACK! Sam punched Remy square in the face, tackling the Cajun with his Farm-boy Fists of Fury (tm). The other boys continued singing as Sam beat the heck out of Remy.

"IThose Canaan days we used to know

Where have they gone?

Where did they go?

Eh bien, raise your berets

To those Canaan days.../I"

Remy got up, clutching his jaw and pinching a bleeding nose.

"I It's funny, but since we lost Kurt

We've gone to the other extreme

Perhaps we all misjudged the lad

Perhaps he wasn't quite that bad

And how we miss his entertaining dreams

Those Canaan days we used to know

Where have they gone?

Where did they go?

Eh bien, raise your berets

To those Canaan days.../I Remy be killing you now, you stupid hick."

B Stop fighting! Sam, as punishment...Jamie, prepare the Wedgie of Doom! (tm)/B

Sam was dragged offstage by the Jamies, and was replaced by Pyro.

Callisto, wincing as she saw what was happening to Sam, appeared onstage.

"ISo back in Canaan the future looked rough

Kurt's family were finding it tough/I"

The boys started singing. "IFor the famine has caught us unprepared

We are thin, we are ill, we are getting scared

It's enough to make anyone weep

We are down to our very last sheep

We will starve if we hang around here

And in Egypt there's food going spare

They've got corn, they've got meat, they've got food and drinks

And if we have the time we could see the Sphinx /I"

"I So they finally decided to go Off to Egypt to see brother Kurt

So they all lay before Kurt's feet /I"

"IMighty prince, give us something to eat/I"

"IKurt found it a strain not to laugh because

Not a brother among them knew who he was /I"

"I I shall now take them all for a ride

After all they have tried fratricide.../I And I love seeing them grovel. Bow before me, ye unworthy fools!" Kurt laughed evilly. Callisto poked him. "Okay, okay, I'll get back to the singing...I I dreamed that in the fields one day, the corn gave me a sign

Your eleven sheaves of corn all turned and bowed to mine

I dreamed I saw eleven stars, the sun and moon and sky

Bowing down before my star -- and now I realize why

How do I know where you come from?

You could be spies

Telling me that you are hungry -- that could be lies

How do I know who you are?

Why do you think I should help you?

Would you help me?

Why on earth should I believe you?

I've no guarantee /I Oh, I love acting evil..."

"That's my boy!" Mystique cheered, sniffling a bit. "I'm so proud..."

"A-HEM!" Todd shouted. The guys got back on track.

"IGrovel, grovel, cringe, bow, stoop, fall

Worship, worship, beg, kneel, sponge, crawl

We are just eleven brothers, good men and true

Though we know we count for nothing when up next to you

Honesty's our middle name

Life is slowly ebbing from us, hope's almost gone

It's getting very hard to see us from sideways on

Grovel, grovel, cringe, bow, stoop, fall

Worship, worship, beg, kneel, sponge, crawl /I"

"II rather like the way you're talking, astute and sincere

Suddenly your tragic story gets me right here /I."

"IThis is what we hoped you'd say /I"

Kurt looked mockingly sympathetic.

IAll this tugging at my heartstrings seems quite justified

I shall give you what you came for and lots more beside /I"

"IThank you, thank you, cringe, bow, stoop, fall

Worship, worship, beg, kneel, sponge, crawl /I"

Callisto appeared again, explaining what happened next.

"IKurt handed them sackloads of food

And they grovelled with base gratitude

Then, unseen, Kurt nipped out around the back

And planted a cup in young Benjamin's sack

When the brothers were ready to go

Kurt turned to them all with a terrible stare and said /I"

"No! No! No! No! No!"

xxxxxxxxxx

Please review!


End file.
